Monday, May 25, 2009

First Post.

I need a real blog because the LiveJournal I still keep from high school just makes me feel like I need to whine and be emo when I write in it. I like to think I'm past that stage, being 22 and graduated from college and all, so maybe it's time for real people thoughts.

I guess this will eventually be my travel blog of sorts, but maybe also my (potentially) intelligent thoughts about life that don't involve whining blog. I leave for England on July 23rd and then for Prague indefinitely around August 7th. I'm working at Bryn Mawr for a few weeks starting June 25th, which leaves me just over a month on Long Island right now.

My life has sort of come in a weird full circle at this point. All year all I wanted to do was leave the country and get back to the life I left abroad, the last possible thing I would've wanted was to stay in Northampton any longer than I had to. The past few weeks in NoHo before I left, however, were pretty magical. I made new friends and got to know old ones better, everyone had free time and we went on adventures and enjoyed the awesome weather, danced and did maybe a bit too much drinking. I just find myself with a really positive outlook on life again such that I want to be everyone's friend and learn about everyone's lives and their stories, which I haven't felt for awhile. This entire year I felt shrouded in this hopelessness where I thought no one was worth my time and nothing would ever get better. What a silly thought! There is so much to learn and so many people to meet and things to explore!

So...all I've wanted to do was get the fuck out of NoHo and Smith College, back to my life abroad with my friends there, yeah? Now the idea of being a townie in Northampton for the year and hanging out with my friends who will still be around, drinkin' beers and going for pretty adventures out to Shelburne Falls and Brattleboro doesn't really sound that bad. Of course I think that now. I always have to start liking places (and people) once they're about to leave my life indefinitely.

I'm just not sure if I'm questioning Prague because it's getting closer and actually becoming real to me or because...I don't know why. I just didn't expect that there'd be much in NoHo for me to miss, I guess, and now I am a bit speculative about my motivations for leaving. In any case, it's worth a shot. I'm really good at leaving, so might as well give it a go. I'm well-suited for living abroad because I can't handle being in one place for too long and like having lots of very different places and languages within public transportation's reach. I know I'll make wonderful friends and drink lots of cheap beer and dance around really old historic buildings at night that were probably erected before my own native country was even founded. Right? Right.

I'm trying to remember how I felt before I left for Brighton last year to study abroad. I'm sure I was scared and questioning everything too. I remember calling Liz and crying about how much I wanted to come home a few times, even almost buying tickets home for Thanksgiving, so it wasn't all flowers and wonderful feelings from the start. The fact that the end of my year was so great overshadows the doubt and fear I had upon arrival, mostly.

My problem with Long Island is there's not enough around to distract me from thinking, but maybe that's a good thing. Mostly this place just makes me sad because everything is backwards. Everyone in my house seems sad or not quite happy. Even my bird self-mutilates for goodness sakes. There is definitely something in the water. As far as places to think are concerned, I could think of much better ones than Miller Place.

I think I've managed to be both really happy about life and really out of it at the same time. I miss Northampton and everyone there and how great Senior Week was. I'm sort of afraid I'll never be able to stop leaving, but really there's just nothing holding me to any one place quite strongly enough. I will never be the pre-fab house with the white picket-fence, several kids and a dog type, but I think if I came upon someone who could keep up with me and somewhere pretty and full of possibilities I could do it. Right now is about learning and living and growing, however.

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